Day 3 of 14: Ian eats out!

Sometimes, pictures speak a thousand words!

Ian was so tired last night, and likely mentally spent from his world just opening wide like it did, that he fell asleep sitting up LOL! He slept all night, minus the tossing and turning and sitting up in bed half asleep trying to ascertain just exactly where he was and what strange bed he was in!

Ian is a voracious thumb sucker and it was actually so loud that I found it hard to sleep, and it even woke me several times. Hmmm, gonna have to work on that after we get home, his poor little thumb is almost raw from sucking it so much. His mouth is likewise malformed because of it too, I notice its not aligned right and since I just went to the dentist for my other son Ari, who sucks on his hands from time to time, I feel like Ian has what the dentist told me Ari would have if he didn't stop sucking his hands. The thumb sucking is not your normal thumb sucking either, he rather keeps his mouth open so he dried his mouth out and then starts gagging for saliva I guess. I'm not gonna lie, it is disturbing to me.

Ian rocks too, back and forth if you let him. I don't. I've only seen it at night so far and maybe this is how he has put himself to sleep with 11 other kids in his bedroom at night. Poor baby, it's heartbreaking to watch some of the behaviors that you just know have come from his past.

Ian began to stir at about 7:30 this morning and then once he was fully awake I pulled him over into my bed with me and we did some morning snuggles. He wasn't into that too much but he did stay put next to me. Its so super sad about the deficits these kids have with getting and receiving affection. It's SO unnatural and its hard for me to process every time I go to touch him and he's not sure what to do, or what I'm doing. He's getting the hang of it but for most of the time, he is not able to do hugs or kisses or even be picked up. I was talking to Craig last night explaining that Ian doesn't know what to do when he is picked up. He just gets stiff as a board and tries to free himself. He has no idea that you are to wrap your legs around and hold on for the ride. I had to show him that and it blew my mind, it is so not what I am used to in a child either, our Ari is snuggle bug for real, he loves affection and cannot get enough of it and he loves to be picked up.

So, you'll not believe this (unless your name is Heather, Katrina, or Nina) I'm not with Ian right now! He's back at the hotel with two brave young girls, Anastasia and Victoria. They are his very first babysitters! It is mandatory here that when you go to some required appointments around town that you have childcare arranged for the children, they cannot come into many of the offices here and sit for hours in lines. I will be gone most of the day, so this ought to be interesting!?....as I left he had reverted back to wild man Ian, the out of control Ian that we met the first trip. He was yelling and being naughty. When they walked in he was even a bit afraid, I thought he was going to cry. He obviously was not cool with it, but the girls are good and they had him laughing when I closed the door. They have strict orders not to leave the hotel and order lunch in the room. Good luck girls!

So, how does one find a babysitter in Russia? One name - BORIS! Yep, He's a jack of all trades and the two young ladies he helped me to hire for this day, and again on Friday when we go pick up Ian's passport, they could not be more perfect for Ian. I phoned the room several times to check on them and they girls reported that Ian ate a big lunch of meat and potatoes! He actually ate more with them then he did for me! I guess they know what Russian kids want to eat!

So, our facilitator E and I took care of our to do list all over the city today. We had lunch at really calming Sushi house ten steps from her apartment. I had the best non-alcoholic Mojito I ever had too, and the cherry dumplings for dessert were awesome. Craig let me take his new camera with me so I would not be lugging our pro camera and I took my first panoramic shot from the steps of the sushi place. Tomorrow I have a two part post coming up, our day as usual, but a special post about our facilitator E. It will seriously make you cry, I know I have been crying for her since we started getting real with one another at the Passport office while "taking" line.







After I got back to the hotel from lunch, Ian was playing in the babysitters shoes, walking all around in heels! Good lord this boy is a card! The girls left, and Ian and I went down for a nap. BEST advice I ever got from my mother when I had Ari: sleep when your baby sleeps! I did not take her advice the last time I had a new baby in my midst, and I regretted it. Today was proof that you can teach and old pony new tricks. He and I slept - for three hours!

We woke, and since the girls let me know that he ate really well of meat and potatoes, I thought we would try our hand at a restaurant where I knew I could get him a kids plate of happy face potatoes and mini hot dogs (knew that because that was the plate Ari enjoyed at the same restaurant when we were here for Trip #1). That's right people, once again I dared the powers that be and left our quarters, this time for dinner in a public place. Any takers on how it went?

Sometimes, pictures speak a thousand words!





















Do you see anything notable in our dinner pictures? Nope, neither do I, and that my friends IS the notable part! Ian has never ever eaten in a restaurant, ever. He was like ANY OTHER KID in there! In fact, there was another 5 something little boy there and he was acting out, screaming, hitting the table, etc....while our boy was as cool as a cucumber.

Like I said yesterday, AMAZING. He wanted to sit in the big boy chair, alone. HE PICKED OUT HIS OWN PLATE OF FOOD from the picture choices. They brought markers and paper, and he drew. The food was taking a while, so he put his head on the table and comforted himself without a peep. He asked for water intermittently, and when the not so bright waiter brought out my food before his (clearly he has no young children), he weathered that storm WELL! He actually turned to the kitchen entrance where he watched them bringing out the food from, pointed to it, and then to himself. He was asking, in the only way he can right now, "...and where is my food?"

Awe man, I can't even begin to express to you how humbling and how EASY taking care of him is.







Ian makes up his own fun games too! I am all too happy to play along. After dinner, and because it has turned lovely here, sunny and warm, no rain at all - we went for a long, slow walk around this very big block. I had intended for us to hit the playground again, but since they were burning a massive pile of what must have been toxic materials in the back lot near the playground, and the white smoke was choking us, I thought not.

Ian has this little bottle of water that I keep refilling for him. He knowns it belongs to him. While we were walking, he began to take it out of the holder on the stroller, carry it a few paces, and then place it on the ground and look up and smile and laugh. I think he thinks water, in a bottle, is hilarious! he often stares at it, shakes it, and examines it.















Dear Amy and Matt, yes, those are the shoes you sent me for Heidi. I
CAN explain! You see, we grossly, and I mean really embarrassingly, sized Ian's feet wrong last time we saw him. Me, being uber prepared, bought and brought THREE sizes of shoes for him, sure that one would fit. None fit, not a one, all way to big for him. So, in the midst of the crazy snatch and grab that was Gotcha Day, E suggested I take those shoes you sent, and have Ian wear them. I was totally horrified! First, they were meant for Little One and second, they were GIRLS shoes! Poor Ian, he can't even escape girls stuff with his long awaited forever family, I felt so totally lame! I SO did not want to do it but I had no choice, the kids are stripped of everything, and if you don't have it for them well, you are SO out of luck. I'm so sorry!

Here's the saving grace about the shoes though. IAN loves the red light up stars on the front and in he car ride from H---, those shoes saved us all, multiple times! They are still working their light up girl shoe magic and make for a great redirect when things get hairy outside and I need to reel him back in! of course, all of the other shoes I brought promptly replaced this pair and so the groupa got a good deal. Yeesh!







Happy boy.







...yes it's an infant tub (don't judge, its all they had and he fits so I'm going with it!). He loves bath but the focus is all about washing and none about playing. I gave him a bath toy today, rubber ducky, and he proceeded to try and use it to scrub himself. I knew this was going to happen, they are so regimented at the orphanage, and likely just sprayed down. They have been trained to meticulously wash themselves, heck he does a better job than I do on myself.

Here's another one of him:







Whups!, thats NOT our IAN, it's our ARI! they so look like brothers to me:)








Step 1: find feet under deluge of bubbles







Step 2: scrub with mommies scrunchie because the hotel keeps removing our wash clothes and not returning them and when I ask for more they only bring more and more scrunchies







Step 3: examine a job well done, checking for any missed spots







Step 4 - 400: repeat same for ENTIRE body and especially the bum. He's got to be the cleanest former orphan this side of the Atlantic.







A bath time like that would tire even the most resolute 5 year old OUT.

Tonight, while I was watching him fall asleep, he began to rock.

I immediately went over and knelt by his bed, laid my head down, began to sing Amazing Grace and rub his head. WHAT I WOULD NOT PAY to have known what was going on in his brain at that moment. He soaked it all up but too, he did the most wonderful thing to me that I have never experienced in my entire life!

We had faces close as I sang and he sucked that dag gone thumb. He was looking at me intently and then, he reached out and with the most exacting and light as a feather touch, he touched my EYE LASHES! back and forth he played with my eyelashes, both top and bottom! He never once poked my eye and had the steadiest hand, and all of this occurred in a mostly dark room! I really have no words to describe the feelings I was having when this was going on. I of course started to cry and his pillow was then stained with my mascara laden tear drops.

The one thing I always knew about coming here alone was that it would be our time to bond. When a little child PETS your eyelashes at night and smiles so big at you like he did...I feel like tonight he understood that I am his mama and that I am never going to leave him.

...and I never will.

Location:13-я линия,St Petersburg,Russia

Gotcha Day!

First off, my deepest apologies to ALL whose blogs I have stalked on their Gotcha Days wondering why it took SO LONG for them to post about it! LOL It's dag gone near impossible, especially with me being here alone, to blog now that Ian is with me, ahhhh, so much for the grand plans (no pun intended but someone just started playing some serious classical music on the baby grand piano they have in the lobby here at our hotel) cool! I get to wright Ian's Gotcha Day post to some live Mozart:).

It's fitting though, because this kid Ian - HE'S AN INSTANT CLASSIC!

So, the morning of Gotcha Day went like this:

- 5:15 I woke up, sent some emails, listened to a voice memo from my son telling my he loves me:), got ready, packed Ian's clothes (yea!), lugged the orphanage donation suitcase of clothing down the flight of steps (nope, no elevator here), grabbed a quick continental breakfast and got myself into the lobby all ready to be picked up.

- 7:15 am left the hotel for the Passport application process.









- 7:15-9:45 waited in line for the passport office (which is located in a fantastic renovated factory called the "United" document center) to open at 9:00 am and then waited for our number "19" to be called to room "19" to apply.

- 10:00 changed some money to purchase train tickets.

- 10:30 arrived at the train station to purchase tickets for the train ride from here to Moscow on Saturday. Train tickets were about $300.00 for a one way to Moscow on the fast train for both of us.














- 11:00 Arrived at the Adoption Unit office to pick up documents that we will need in Moscow at the Embassy.

- Noon: Arrived back to the hotel for a surprise break in the day, I had until 1:45 to work my nerves up even more before we left for the camp LOL!

- 1:45 left to pick up our facilitator "E" then headed to the grocery store where we bought $150.00 worth of goodies for Ian's farewell tea party - of which neither he or I get to partake in (yeah, crazy sad). I bought some really tasty chicken with peaches and cheese on top (sounds gross but it was SO SO good) and some bread as I could not eat lunch at the hotel because remember, I was working myself into cold sweats getting all nervous.

- About 3:45 we arrived at the camp! Earlier that day I lamented that the sun was officially gone from St. Petersburg until May 2012 (which is what E told me!), as we pulled into camp, the SUN SHONE all over the place and the cold nip ran away from the air. It turned into a beautiful day outside.

I was told this morning that our arrival to the camp would culminate in a swift removal of Ian and goodbye. I hated that. I wanted to spend some time with the other children. I was impossible. The moment we got there they released Ian to me and I got zero help with him the entire time.

Not all orphanages are created equally. Some caregivers love the kids, some clearly don't. Today the clearly don'ts were out in force, mean mugging me the whole time. A couple were gracious and one in particular at least tried to help me get him dressed by talking to him.

any who......

Ian was outside on the walk when we came up. I had a 50 pound suitcase filled with clothing for the groupa and we had 5 big bags from the grocery store. Pulling the suitcase through the SAND at the camp was a workout!

Guess what my baby did for the first time EVER?

When he saw me, HE RAN TO ME and jumped into my arms and gave me a hug and then turned to everyone and waved and said BYE! Oh my gosh that moment was SO funny! If you have been following Ian's story you will realize that for him to do that, to run to me and hug me, was MAJOR.

On the way to the camp, I flipped open my ipad and touched to open an app I have. It's called DAILY HELP. It's a spiritual app, and gives you some scripture and a message to start each day with. I don't know what made me open it, but I am sure it was not by accident that the message for today had this printed in it in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS:

SHE WON THE VICTORY BY BELIEVING IN HIM

Like I said, I've been doing enough thinking to think myself into a pit about these two weeks of me and Ian alone together. I've followed LOTS of blogs and I've met Ian twice, and both times he screamed most of the time and dismantled his immediate surroundings. Craig calls me the softie of the two of us when it comes to parenting. He's right, I'm the love-v dove-e one, I cave easy!

When I read this message today right before we turned into camp, I knew it was about me and Ian. I needed to BELIEVE that he could do this, and be okay. I kinda hoped he could, and I have told others that I thought he'd be great, but I know that I did not fully BELIEVE my own words.

So, right quick, before we got out of the car I said a prayer and I made sure that I walked towards his groupa a with a new attitude. I KNEW IAN could do great! and the whole tone of the day was instantly changed.

Here is more of the passage:

The woman opens her soul wide, expecting great things of Jesus, and he fills it with his love. Dear reader, do the same. She laid fast hold upon him, and drew arguments even out of his words; she believed great things of him, and she thus overcame him. SHE WON THE VICTORY BY BELIEVING IN HIM. Her case is an instance of prevailing faith; and if we would conquer like her, we must imitate her.

*********************
Up first: GET IAN DRESSED TO LEAVE (they don't do it at #40, you do it and they watch you!)

Let's talk fashion for orphans for a moment. It leaves lots to be desired. The first time we met Ian he sported pink pants, socks worn so thin they had holes and his little tootsies were sticking out of them, too tight shoes, and about 4 layers of upper body clothing - oye vey! Today was NO better, he had on full body purple girls tights, corduroy shorts, and 3 upper layers. It was a screaming struggle, but I finally got him dressed.

It's time for this boy to rock some style! Unfortuatley, since they basically just gave him to me and never looked back, I had a really hard time getting any decent pictures of this day AND trying to keep Ian from bolting!

Choosing a gotcha day outfit, and Ian's first real outfit was too much fun for me. I had lots to choose from this morning since I had to abandon the choice Craig and I made together at home before I left (it was shorts and a short sleeve shirt) as it's straight up chilly here.

So, I chose a navy blue ensemble, and he rocked it like this!:














Then it was, believe it or not, time to leave! Talk about a crazy few moments there, I was trying to focus on Ian but my heart was breaking that I was not going to be able to hug our little friends here Heidi and Angelina. I did manage to get a picture of Angelina making quick work of a play structure (look out Randy and Shelia! She's a monkey!)








"E" tried to snap a Gotcha Day photograph but Ian was having NONE of that! I think it is a conspiracy at #40 (right Heather?) to NOT let your new parents and the hundreds of others waiting for this ONE picture, have it!







This is the best one we could get - I swear that's Ian under that hat!







We left the camp right away and he was chomping at the bit to get into the car. The social director from the camp rode back with us - awesome, now I had three people in the car with us all watching me try to parent Ian, and boy did he work me! We were ALL glad to get out of that car when we arrived back at the hotel. Sufficient to say, I had to keep telling myself "BELIEVE BELIEVE" in order to make it through that RIDE.








Once we got back to the hotel, things got under some modicum of control and the magic began to really happen for this sweet little boy. He is such a gift, such a smarty pants, he's been a giant blessing to us for more than a year and now that he is in our midst, he is so much more than I ever imagined. I'm crying for HIM because God knew that he should not languish and die in a terrible place. Ian would have KNOWN all that was happening to him. He is not at all imbecilic or even slow (as they call children like him here), he's the OPPOSITE! He can do things I have not seen typically developing children who have grown up in families do. He is AMAZING me in every second I am with him.

I so don't feel even worthy for this treasure that God has placed in my lap, but I'm not gonna lie when I say that ALL OF THE WORK that it has taken to make this day possible (and y'all know it was HELL of earth for much of it), has totally WASHED AWAY. For him, I would do it 100 times.

There are SO MANY things that happened for Ian and me in the space of the two or three hours he was awake after they left us at the hotel. I can't blog them all right now because it's 2 am here and I have got to get some sleep. So for now, here are some highlights:







After we did potty (which is an issue, kinda funny, actually kinda hilarious, for which I promise to talk all about tomorrow), and because the weather was nice and I knew I needed to run those energizer bunny batteries down if I was going to have any chance at getting him to sleep, WE LEFT THE HOTEL. Yep! thats right, we went outside, to the total violation of all suggested actions for brand newly adopted kiddos and mama's traveling alone. What can I say, I'm just not good at following directions!







I was a witness to a child's first time out FREE to run in the world. This ALONE was worth it all, to watch this was absolutely amazing! Stunning really. Once we got to the little playground adjacent to the hotel (yep, that is one reason I chose this hotel) I let him out of my firm grasp and he ran, and then stopped....and looked up.

He was speechless. The tall (to him) buildings that he could reach out and TOUCH, the people, the birds, the air, the FREEDOM. He looked up towards the sky and closed his eyes and reached out, as if to touch God and say THANK YOU. It was SO hard for me to keep it together, I wanted to just sit down and cry. Not possible though because this kid is FAST!

















































We had fun. We got stared at and I am sure talked about, but I could have cared less, there was something SO amazing going on around the people watching us, it was kind of a strange happiness in me that only him and I knew what was unfolding - to everyone else we looked crazy I'm sure.

Do you see him examining the under side of the seesaw? Ian is an examiner. He wants to know HOW everything works. He is a brilliant learner, he can already sign "more" and I swear to you that he knows what I am saying to him! I ask him if he wants water (just like that in English) and he answers in Russian, clearly and with purpose. When he's thirsty, he answers yes, and when he's not, he says no.

He explored the hotel room, every inch, and we had some minor needs for parenting to keep us all safe (like throwing toys full force into the mirrors and other newly released freely into the world 5 year old boy teachable moments).

My favorite funny moments from our time in the hotel room are:

-When I brought out a mechanical dog who barks and walks when you pet his back, IAN took off my flip-flops (yes, he loves to wear my shoes) and proceeded to batter the barking doggie over the head with my shoe!

-When we were eating dinner, mac and cheese for him and Ramen for me (he clearly does not do noodles), he would look at me really close, smile, look at his food, and bust out laughing!

-When it was time for bed, he wasn't sure about it so after I laid him down and sat on the edge of his bed, he got back up, pulled off the blanket, and climbed into my arms and hugged me tight. Then he laid back down. AMAZING.







I don't know when I will have a chance to let all of the emotions of this day, this trip, this year plus adoption process - OUT. I need a really good hard, cry. It's the good kind to be sure, but it's been bottled up and wish Craig was here. I miss my Ari bug badly and I feel like if one thing does go wrong, I'm gonna fall apart. Today was a good day. 2 of 14 down, 13 to go. Please keep us in your prayers.

AMEN. :)



Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:St Petersburg,Russia

The Crossing

From just off the Eastern seaboard of America, and owing to the amazement that is Internet access from 35,000 feet, it's time to talk.

I'm currently crossing the ocean. To do so, I had to leave the earthly loves in my life, my precious almost 5 year old son Ari, and the man in my life, Craig. I left them in search of another love, sweet Ian. This month since court has been a whirlwind at our home. We have been making it ready and more functional for our new normal, which will undoubtedly be the joyous chaos of two little boys under 6! (by the way Craig I have an idea for the glass problem in the office, email me!).

I've had so much fun shopping for all of Ian's first new clothes, shoes, socks, pj's, etc...we have matching strollers, car seats, and a few matching outfits for Ari and Ian to wear on their first photo shoot together, which was donated to us through a wonderful project called Little Heroes. I've loved making all of Ian's doctors appointments too - what a deep deep overwhelming feeling it has been to know that soon he is going to be getting the best care available. I even convinced his new pediatrician, Dr. Allison, to take us into her practice when she is not taking new patients! I talked to at least 30 moms and dads with little ones with Down Syndrome in our area and so many just love Dr. A that I had to beg her, and some other folks begged her on our behalf too, to be Ian's pediatrician.

Ian's brother Ari started his new school and program and it went off without a hitch, which was a real BIG concern for me this week. They love him and he seems to love his new preschool. He's already well known - for all good reasons too:) this kid is amazing I tell you. I was able to lock down his 5th birthday venue, get the invitations printed and some even mailed! I booked a face painter and balloon maker too, the same wonderful couple that did Ian's fund raising face painting at the Down Syndrome Holiday party last year. It will be so good to be just regular guests at that event this year.

Ian's new life has taken real shape this past week, and it's not just a stack of papers in our office anymore, our real little boy is coming home. I could burst into crocodile tears at any moment, and I am sure once I get to Russia and flop onto the bed, I will. There is no place to go now but into tomorrow, which is straight where I am flying.

Our lives are at a crossing of no return, love, desperation, and hope. It's over the top to be sure, and while I sit here confined to my seat not knowing what to expect for the next two or more weeks while I attempt to finally free Ian from the the circumstances that WE as a world have relegated him to, I feel.....changed.

In so many, many ways.

THE POINT of NO RETURN....today when I chatted via cell phone with my mother before I left, we talked about how this adoption for me, feels like real child birth. Not in the physical sense of course, although the pain and stress and labor of paperwork that has a human life attached to you getting it right every time over and over for more a year, and begging for donations to foot that bill IS INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING, it feels like the moment when you are ready to be done being pregnant! You know sleepless nights are ahead but you are so over the 13 MONTHS that it has taken to get Ian here, you say bring it on!

I have made friends through this journey that I may never meet in person but who have supported us as if we were born of the same mother. While we most assuredly are not blood sisters, we are family. We are all God's children, which makes us stronger in sisterhood than blood ever could. I have had the pleasure of watching many of these women triumph, over so many things that keep all of us from growing deeper and stronger personal relationships with Christ. I have watched my sisters, through the common bond of international special needs adoption, rise up like the strongest army and turn mess after mess into - miracle after miracle.

This has been one miraculous summer. Many lives have been saved and are destined for love beyond measure. People have been changed.

If you know anything about the good, then you know that the bad is always lurking, nipping at the heals of those who would serve a king. The nasty, mean, deplorable, hurtful, hateful, racist, and just downright idiotic things that me and my sisters and our families have endured through all of our journey's, has both made me stronger and made me feel like at some point, my Achilles heel might be discovered and I could crumble into a soupy ball of pity on the floor. EWE, yuck. I don't wanna go there.

Day after tomorrow, I take the long ride to Ian's camp. They will strip him of borrowed and shared clothing. I will dress him in new clothes that were hand picked, in new shoes that fit and support a little boys feet (brought in three sizes just to be sure), and we will walk, hand-in-hand (or with him kicking and screaming flung over my shoulder, could go either way but I'm hoping for choice A), out of the only life he's ever known.

All of us reading this think "YEA!" he's finally going to be free.

What will Ian think? He won't know what we know, that that walk is the point of no return (unless of course you are an American teacher who decided you no longer want your orphan from Russia and you pin a note to him and ship him back on an airplane alone). I just wonder what is about to happen in that mind of my now eldest son. He's a smart one, but he's tender too and I pray I can comfort him when the loss starts to hit him. Thank God for Anya Fillmore, there's a something kinda special skype reunion gonna take place real soon!

For us, I have concerns like any human person would, but since there is really no where to go with those thoughts other than a full on panic attack, I just let it wash over me. While I am gone, our home has been stacked with maximum supports. Craig works an incredibly hard job all week, he hasn't had a vacation in more than a year. Our house is falling apart slowly, and we can't really attend to it until we recover financially from this adoption. That wears on a man, especially a fix it kind of guy like Craig is, he worries about the house, and it hurts me to watch him try to figure out how to get things fixed. He's plum tired... it was hard to leave him there by himself to handle it all plus work. Usually I'm there, and I do a ton, happily. Yes, I'm traveling thousands of miles to get Ian, but that for now is restful to me alone on this part of the trip, while my guys do life at home. Ari is the energizer bunny and we tag team him in between family times on the weekends so that each of us can at least use the restroom or shower in some relative peace. Keep your head up babe! I'l be home eventually!

Some of the nasty things that I have watched, and am still watching, my sisters in faith go through on this journey have to do with the points of no return. It's here, I'm gone, my family is alone. Thank God one of us could remain in the states, it makes a big difference. It costs money, lots of money, either way you cut it, one or both parents gone costs money. To make this all work at home while I'm gone, and to try and not kill Craig, I hope to have pulled off a miracle at home. This coming week, and going forward, we have hired a caregiver, a SUPER former teacher of Ari's, Lisa, to pick Ari up from school three days a week, take him to therapy, feed him dinner, and get him all ready for bed. Don't get me wrong, we love Ari to the ends of the earth but when I say that he is work, he will tire out an ironman triathlete in less than 69 seconds! To Ari, Lisa is the bees-knees, he LoVeS to play with her and so for him, it's a great deal. I Wanna give a BIG shout out to LISA for moving from California, staring grad school, and picking right up with our family madness without missing a beat!

On wednesday night, my mom will fly in (again) to care for Ari for three days while Craig flies to Denver, CO for Ransomed Heart Ministries. Taking care of your spiritual self is the most important things I feel one can do in order to be ready and willing and able to walk the path God lays out for you. Craig will be spending time in prayer, and I am so so grateful that he is going.

When my dear friends Donnie and Karrie Cannell went to Ukraine to put their lives out there for God and to walk out a truly Christian path, they got way criticized for flying home during the 10 day wait between court and when you can actually walk your new child(ren) out of the orphanage. People had the unmitigated gall to assert that because this family fundraised the more than $40,000.00 they needed to rescue two little ones with a horrific congenital skin condition that requires daily bandaging and wound care, they should not spend those dollars doing what needed to be done at home for their other children, and for themselves, in order to keep it all going.

Appalling.

You have to spend some of the money you raise to keep your lives going so that you CAN go and get your adopted child and bring them home, and anyone who thinks otherwise is not really thinking. It cost me $360.00 plus a $50.00 gas card to get Craig some essential help while I'm gone in Lisa, and that was at bargain basement prices, remembering that our Ari has special needs and requires 100% supervision. I have no reason to lie, YES some of that money came from money we have raised. How does one think I could just up and leave for two weeks to get Ian and not keep the house running? For Karrie and Donnie, who had to be gone for 6 weeks, that price tag was near $10,000.00 to keep their other children in food, rent, school, gas, etc...ignorance is not bliss people, and it can do so much harm. Karrie got harassed for telling the truth about adoption. She told that they needed to raise money for the 6 weeks her husband could not work when they we're gone to rescue TWO orphans. I felt honored to donate to the Cannell's for whatever they needed to make the road POSSIBLE and easier.

I want other people to adopt orphans. I want to keep it real for them, so they can weather it all. Here are a few gems I would have loved to have known before they came about so I could have recognized them: (1) don't be mad or sad or act like its not fair when MANY people will have begun and completed their adoptions before you, months before you; (2) HOLD your tounge! You may need whoever you are getting ready to diss to complete paperwork for you; (3) whatever "they" say your addition is going to cost, add at least $10,000 to that amount and you might raise enough and (4) JUST LOVE your kid no matter what! Even if they don't love you back and they behave like wild Bison, love them through.

There is no going back now, we are in this, and with all the JOY of what is, what has been, and what will be, perspective is important. Craig cannot take leave from his employment, period. I can, so the choice was clear. My trepidations now? How will we absorb the loss of my salary from work for 6 weeks and more, as we begin to get Ian the surgeries he needs to be okay, to finally be able to see, and to have a good heart. I do not purport to have any clue, and that is how God takes care of us because HE does know and he won't forsake us. $41,000.00 was raised in 13 months to save Ian. That still left more than $10,000.00 we put in ourselves. The day before I left for this trip I had the great pleasure to stop by the home of John and Nancy, Kate and Ripsie Crews. Little Ripsie Mae came home from Armenia, a Reece's Rainbow child, early this spring. Nancy went alone to get her too. Nancy and John are amazing people. They have one daughter who is about 30 years old and confined to a wheelchair due to Cerebral Palsy. Kate Crews is one the most inspiring people I have ever met. She suffered greatly this summer, trying to live in the body she has, it's a daily painful battle for her, and her health care coverage reduced her at home aide allowance during the Crews' TWO year adoption journey. Ripsie is 6. Nancy and John are 60! They have no help, they, like us, have buy help, for both of their sweet girls, in order that they can work to provide and give the girls a quality of life in a loving family.

Not us, not Karrie and Donnie, not John and Nancy and Kate, and not any other family that travels this road should have to endure the hurtful and ugly things people do and say. No, no one has said anything to me lately, but throughout I have been battered by ignorance and and even the dead silence from people you thought we're your closest friends, can wound. I want to tell the truth about our adoption, and I have, because it's important to start changing the mindset about how all of this really goes down. In the two weeks to come I don't want this blog to be all rose colored, and I only report the good, skip the bad, and hide the ugly. What can be gained from a nice pretty blog with nice pretty pictures that hides the difficult parts of all of this? Its very difficult to complete an international special needs adoption, not to mention what lies ahead for everyone once the children are home: Donnie and Karrie's boys need hand surgeries, surgeries to OPEN wider their throats so they can swallow food without gagging and more; little Ripsie Mae had one eye surgery and is facing another one and she needs a full assessment of her Down Syndrome, which is looking more and more like a rare combination of some other disabling conditions; Ian needs eye, heart, and other surgeries and more....There are babies, infants, lying in cribs all day sedated to keep them from fussing who will die soon if no one chooses them and starts the process of adoption. SOBERING, isn't it? How can we color that fact?

...people say " but you knew all of this before." We all new some of it before, but that's not the point. We didn't all sit down and list out these kids' needs and then figure out we could handle it all. We saw their pictures on a website, we found out what would happen to Ian, John, Carson, Ripsie.... if someone did not intervene and take immediate steps to rescue them, we fell to our knees and asked God if this was our purpose....and he said YES. Stepping out over the cliff of what we thought was our faith to get the job at hand done was part of the teaching and part of the gift that is adoption. Over this past year many people we know have remarked to us that they think what we are doing is amazing, and to be gracious, we always say thank you. It makes me cringe on the inside though and here's why: All it took for me to know that Ian needed us was for ONE person to tell me and then show me in still photographs, what is happening to human children with special needs in parts of the world that just cannot deal with them. That one person was Andrea Roberts, founder and director of Reece's Rainbow, the place on the Internet where we found Ian. Being a teacher by profession, I can't ignore the study materials God has opened my eyes to in order that I might sit for the test. Bet y'all didn't know I am a High School Dropout.

Yea, I was, but not anymore, I know that when the time comes for me to answer for my life, and if I we're asked why I did nothing when I KNEW his children were sufferingg and HE gave me enough day to day resources to welcome a child who would die otherwise into the HOME he blessed me with - UHHHH - UMMMM - WELL, I, UM.....there would be no excuse, none, period. So, when people say to us, "wow, I can't believe your doing this," I think, "wow, I can't believe your NOT."

Not everyone can actually bring an orphaned child into their home to raise and live, we know this. We also know that many who choose to not adopt (because knowing about it doing nothing is a choice) DO have the resources, they just have a FEAR that is so overwhelming (and to be honest it usually has to do with the thought that one will loose whatever lifestyle they have or that they have been working towards having). This is why you hear, all over the place, that if you cannot adopt yourself, then HELP someone who CAN. Help comes in MANY forms too, not just money.

I never thought I could be so broke while at the same time be so rich, so full, so wealthy in the spirit of righteousness. It's priceless.

It's true love. A love for God above all. Someone told me recently that I should not wear my love of God on my sleeve, so to speak. Someone else asked me last fall if I was turning into a Jesus freak because I had some new Christian centered home decor.

LOVE and peace are what our God is all about, and yes, resoundingly, I want to wear those principles on my sleeve and if you choose to call it such, yes, I'd like to be a freak for love and peace and doing the right good. I had 40 years to do other stuff and judging by the results I got, I ain't smart enough to run this. Giving my life To God is a good thing for me, and the witness I am, I have, because of it is profound. I am a better mom, a better person, I'm stronger, and all that he is sending for the next years of my life, I have every confidence are much better choices and directions than I could have ever hatched for myself.

I'M OKAY BEING DESPERATE FOR LOVE AND PEACE. It keeps me doing the right things for other people. It keeps me dying to self, which can be a real battle, and it keeps me patient and kind. HOPE can only come from desperation, otherwise you are lacking nothing and so you never look for hope, and it can't find you either.

Long before I knew that Ian would be the child I would be crossing this ocean for again, for the 5th time at this very moment, I named this blog BRING HOPE HOME. Oh how I love the way God weaves things in and out of my life and connects them all up on the other side to make a beautiful tapestry (my friend Lorriane Patterson shared that analogy with me and I love it). I can honestly say, without a doubt and with no regrets, that hope, the kind that is infallible, has finally come home -

Inside of my heart.

For the next two weeks I'm going to be hopeful that you won't judge, that you will support, and be kind, as I try to share as best I can about this part of the journey, the most important step yet - Ian's road to home. I'll be honest and I will need your prayers for us to get us through any bumps in road. I'm excited and a little bit scared and a lot a bit tired, but most of all

......I'm a ton thankful.