God's neverending Love

Recently, several very emotional events in my life have got me thinking about what it really means and what it really is to have a child with special needs. I feel as if I am being led towards a special needs adoption and I will be honest, I feel some fear around that idea. As a single mother with a son who has Autism and other special needs, as one who is a teacher and honestly does not make enough money to even afford all of his intensive treatments by myself, there is a a part of me that wonders how I could handle another child with special needs.

Yet,

I keep getting drawn to these children. Last night I spent two hours taking pictures of children with special needs getting awards for Exceptional Children's Week at a large local public school district. I had no idea that I was going to "THE" photographer. It turned out to be a lovely event and the children.....oh the children. They were awesome!

Often times, I have trouble with my camera and the settings and the lighting. Tonight however, even with the house lights being turned up and down and back and forth, my camera performed perfectly! It was likely one of the best shoots I have ever done! That was no accident, I feel certain of that.

Sunday, I was blessed beyond words when God allowed me to meet and hug and play with one of his rarest little miracles. A sweet young girl, not far in age from my son, came to see me. I did not know she was coming. It was the best half hour! Her smiles, her laughter, her screams of delight as she played at our home....an unforgettable experience.

Yesterday morning, as I was given some time to myself in the morning because of the late night photo shoot, I took a five mile run around Stone Mountain Park. It was drizzling and cold enough that I could see my own breath. The pavement was wet and for most of the five miles, I was alone with nature and my thoughts. It was a much needed break.

During my run thoughts about my son, about meeting such a special little girl, and about how lately I find little joy in anything other than being able to do things for others, flooded my brain. What I was left with was this:

I am beyond humble in the fact that God chose me to be the mother of a child who requires more than the average amount of care and attention and study and imagination and patience and strength.

I am beyond grateful that I have the opportunity to grow my human capacity to love through the experience of raising my son with special needs.

but most of all....

I am on my knees and crying tears of so much joy that I have been given, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, in the experience of THE LOVE THAT is showered upon me, unconditionally, by God's special children. His rarest of flowers hug me, laugh with me, look to me for safety, and tell me they love me.

My eyes have been opened so widely now that my life has been forever improved. To be able to find joy in to what others would never even notice in a child, is amazing. To be able to be thankful for every moment more that I get to spend with special children is amazing. Through what God has given me, my ability to trust in him and his plans for us has grown one thousand percent, and I know that through the hard times, through the moments in which I wonder about my son's quality of life, God's teaching of love to me through meeting these children and having one of my own, I can find nothing but comfort.

and for all of this......I am eternally grateful.

Happiness

There is not much that I know...for sure.

Except...

The only true happiness I feel is from giving, helping, and showing love to others.

God says, no matter my circumstances, I can live a happy life. This is so true because in living his word, in living my life in service to others, I am happy.

Frame your Future

Update on the goal from my first post to complete my 100 plus page thesis: Well, last week I had what I would term as a pre-pre breakdown. I became overwhelmed and let my emotions get the best of me. Ari has been sick since October 5th. He has been on a road that is so exhausting to all of us, least of all him. I look at him and I want to cry, his little eyes are so gray underneath, his chest always congested, and his nose running like a faucet.

Anyway, I was blessed with the gift of being able to take 2 weeks of f from work on FMLA in order to get myself together and try to find out what is ailing my sweet little child. We see our first specialist on Wednesday, he is supposed to be excellent, but that is always something you have to just wait and see with new Doctors. Ari is on a bunch of meds right now, and it goes a little something like this: Wake up and do a 15 min. nebulizer breathing treatment of Pulmicort; administer a nasty tasting dose of Augmenten 7 ml., and then deliver 2 squirts of Nasenex in his little nostrils (his least favorite). PM is a crushed up pill of Singulair in applesauce, more yucky Augmenten, and another dose of Pulmicort which hypes him all up before bed (wonderful). He has an ear infection, the fourth since October the 5th. I am placing all of my hope in tubes, even though sedation is always nerve racking for me.

So, while there is much more to this story, it provides a glimpse into why I have been so stressed out. Ari's papa is paying for his tuition this month and all of my bills and other stuff like gas and food, so that I can stay home and finish my paper. Oh, and did I mention, then he's taking my on my first cruise ever! So, the incentive is great to submit my first draft to the powers that be.

I hope to hit the send button this Sunday night - no, I WILL hit the send button on Sunday night.

Now, to the image above. This is my contest entry in the "Frame my Future" contest. The winner get's a $1000.00 scholarship for college, which I need badly to continue my doctoral studies without taking any more loans (part of my financial solvency plan). The winner is chosen April 5th, so wish me luck.

I have to get back to my paper :), but here is a list of some of the things I am so grateful and thankful for lately:

1. I won a handmade newborn hat from Cayman's mommy Kristen! (photo's to come)

2. Ari had 3 days with NO breathing problems or chest congestion!

3. We found a swimming teacher for Ari who teaches young children with Autism during the day, we start on Sunday!

4. My friend Khris ironed my new bedroom curtains for me! (I hate ironing and I am bad at it).

5. I spent an hour reading McMama's blog and feeling so thankful for all we have, and started thinking seriously about sponsoring another Compassion child.

6. I have not had a coffee from Starbucks in about 2 months! I have fallen in love with Teavana and am drinking organic teas.