The Crossing

From just off the Eastern seaboard of America, and owing to the amazement that is Internet access from 35,000 feet, it's time to talk.

I'm currently crossing the ocean. To do so, I had to leave the earthly loves in my life, my precious almost 5 year old son Ari, and the man in my life, Craig. I left them in search of another love, sweet Ian. This month since court has been a whirlwind at our home. We have been making it ready and more functional for our new normal, which will undoubtedly be the joyous chaos of two little boys under 6! (by the way Craig I have an idea for the glass problem in the office, email me!).

I've had so much fun shopping for all of Ian's first new clothes, shoes, socks, pj's, etc...we have matching strollers, car seats, and a few matching outfits for Ari and Ian to wear on their first photo shoot together, which was donated to us through a wonderful project called Little Heroes. I've loved making all of Ian's doctors appointments too - what a deep deep overwhelming feeling it has been to know that soon he is going to be getting the best care available. I even convinced his new pediatrician, Dr. Allison, to take us into her practice when she is not taking new patients! I talked to at least 30 moms and dads with little ones with Down Syndrome in our area and so many just love Dr. A that I had to beg her, and some other folks begged her on our behalf too, to be Ian's pediatrician.

Ian's brother Ari started his new school and program and it went off without a hitch, which was a real BIG concern for me this week. They love him and he seems to love his new preschool. He's already well known - for all good reasons too:) this kid is amazing I tell you. I was able to lock down his 5th birthday venue, get the invitations printed and some even mailed! I booked a face painter and balloon maker too, the same wonderful couple that did Ian's fund raising face painting at the Down Syndrome Holiday party last year. It will be so good to be just regular guests at that event this year.

Ian's new life has taken real shape this past week, and it's not just a stack of papers in our office anymore, our real little boy is coming home. I could burst into crocodile tears at any moment, and I am sure once I get to Russia and flop onto the bed, I will. There is no place to go now but into tomorrow, which is straight where I am flying.

Our lives are at a crossing of no return, love, desperation, and hope. It's over the top to be sure, and while I sit here confined to my seat not knowing what to expect for the next two or more weeks while I attempt to finally free Ian from the the circumstances that WE as a world have relegated him to, I feel.....changed.

In so many, many ways.

THE POINT of NO RETURN....today when I chatted via cell phone with my mother before I left, we talked about how this adoption for me, feels like real child birth. Not in the physical sense of course, although the pain and stress and labor of paperwork that has a human life attached to you getting it right every time over and over for more a year, and begging for donations to foot that bill IS INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING, it feels like the moment when you are ready to be done being pregnant! You know sleepless nights are ahead but you are so over the 13 MONTHS that it has taken to get Ian here, you say bring it on!

I have made friends through this journey that I may never meet in person but who have supported us as if we were born of the same mother. While we most assuredly are not blood sisters, we are family. We are all God's children, which makes us stronger in sisterhood than blood ever could. I have had the pleasure of watching many of these women triumph, over so many things that keep all of us from growing deeper and stronger personal relationships with Christ. I have watched my sisters, through the common bond of international special needs adoption, rise up like the strongest army and turn mess after mess into - miracle after miracle.

This has been one miraculous summer. Many lives have been saved and are destined for love beyond measure. People have been changed.

If you know anything about the good, then you know that the bad is always lurking, nipping at the heals of those who would serve a king. The nasty, mean, deplorable, hurtful, hateful, racist, and just downright idiotic things that me and my sisters and our families have endured through all of our journey's, has both made me stronger and made me feel like at some point, my Achilles heel might be discovered and I could crumble into a soupy ball of pity on the floor. EWE, yuck. I don't wanna go there.

Day after tomorrow, I take the long ride to Ian's camp. They will strip him of borrowed and shared clothing. I will dress him in new clothes that were hand picked, in new shoes that fit and support a little boys feet (brought in three sizes just to be sure), and we will walk, hand-in-hand (or with him kicking and screaming flung over my shoulder, could go either way but I'm hoping for choice A), out of the only life he's ever known.

All of us reading this think "YEA!" he's finally going to be free.

What will Ian think? He won't know what we know, that that walk is the point of no return (unless of course you are an American teacher who decided you no longer want your orphan from Russia and you pin a note to him and ship him back on an airplane alone). I just wonder what is about to happen in that mind of my now eldest son. He's a smart one, but he's tender too and I pray I can comfort him when the loss starts to hit him. Thank God for Anya Fillmore, there's a something kinda special skype reunion gonna take place real soon!

For us, I have concerns like any human person would, but since there is really no where to go with those thoughts other than a full on panic attack, I just let it wash over me. While I am gone, our home has been stacked with maximum supports. Craig works an incredibly hard job all week, he hasn't had a vacation in more than a year. Our house is falling apart slowly, and we can't really attend to it until we recover financially from this adoption. That wears on a man, especially a fix it kind of guy like Craig is, he worries about the house, and it hurts me to watch him try to figure out how to get things fixed. He's plum tired... it was hard to leave him there by himself to handle it all plus work. Usually I'm there, and I do a ton, happily. Yes, I'm traveling thousands of miles to get Ian, but that for now is restful to me alone on this part of the trip, while my guys do life at home. Ari is the energizer bunny and we tag team him in between family times on the weekends so that each of us can at least use the restroom or shower in some relative peace. Keep your head up babe! I'l be home eventually!

Some of the nasty things that I have watched, and am still watching, my sisters in faith go through on this journey have to do with the points of no return. It's here, I'm gone, my family is alone. Thank God one of us could remain in the states, it makes a big difference. It costs money, lots of money, either way you cut it, one or both parents gone costs money. To make this all work at home while I'm gone, and to try and not kill Craig, I hope to have pulled off a miracle at home. This coming week, and going forward, we have hired a caregiver, a SUPER former teacher of Ari's, Lisa, to pick Ari up from school three days a week, take him to therapy, feed him dinner, and get him all ready for bed. Don't get me wrong, we love Ari to the ends of the earth but when I say that he is work, he will tire out an ironman triathlete in less than 69 seconds! To Ari, Lisa is the bees-knees, he LoVeS to play with her and so for him, it's a great deal. I Wanna give a BIG shout out to LISA for moving from California, staring grad school, and picking right up with our family madness without missing a beat!

On wednesday night, my mom will fly in (again) to care for Ari for three days while Craig flies to Denver, CO for Ransomed Heart Ministries. Taking care of your spiritual self is the most important things I feel one can do in order to be ready and willing and able to walk the path God lays out for you. Craig will be spending time in prayer, and I am so so grateful that he is going.

When my dear friends Donnie and Karrie Cannell went to Ukraine to put their lives out there for God and to walk out a truly Christian path, they got way criticized for flying home during the 10 day wait between court and when you can actually walk your new child(ren) out of the orphanage. People had the unmitigated gall to assert that because this family fundraised the more than $40,000.00 they needed to rescue two little ones with a horrific congenital skin condition that requires daily bandaging and wound care, they should not spend those dollars doing what needed to be done at home for their other children, and for themselves, in order to keep it all going.

Appalling.

You have to spend some of the money you raise to keep your lives going so that you CAN go and get your adopted child and bring them home, and anyone who thinks otherwise is not really thinking. It cost me $360.00 plus a $50.00 gas card to get Craig some essential help while I'm gone in Lisa, and that was at bargain basement prices, remembering that our Ari has special needs and requires 100% supervision. I have no reason to lie, YES some of that money came from money we have raised. How does one think I could just up and leave for two weeks to get Ian and not keep the house running? For Karrie and Donnie, who had to be gone for 6 weeks, that price tag was near $10,000.00 to keep their other children in food, rent, school, gas, etc...ignorance is not bliss people, and it can do so much harm. Karrie got harassed for telling the truth about adoption. She told that they needed to raise money for the 6 weeks her husband could not work when they we're gone to rescue TWO orphans. I felt honored to donate to the Cannell's for whatever they needed to make the road POSSIBLE and easier.

I want other people to adopt orphans. I want to keep it real for them, so they can weather it all. Here are a few gems I would have loved to have known before they came about so I could have recognized them: (1) don't be mad or sad or act like its not fair when MANY people will have begun and completed their adoptions before you, months before you; (2) HOLD your tounge! You may need whoever you are getting ready to diss to complete paperwork for you; (3) whatever "they" say your addition is going to cost, add at least $10,000 to that amount and you might raise enough and (4) JUST LOVE your kid no matter what! Even if they don't love you back and they behave like wild Bison, love them through.

There is no going back now, we are in this, and with all the JOY of what is, what has been, and what will be, perspective is important. Craig cannot take leave from his employment, period. I can, so the choice was clear. My trepidations now? How will we absorb the loss of my salary from work for 6 weeks and more, as we begin to get Ian the surgeries he needs to be okay, to finally be able to see, and to have a good heart. I do not purport to have any clue, and that is how God takes care of us because HE does know and he won't forsake us. $41,000.00 was raised in 13 months to save Ian. That still left more than $10,000.00 we put in ourselves. The day before I left for this trip I had the great pleasure to stop by the home of John and Nancy, Kate and Ripsie Crews. Little Ripsie Mae came home from Armenia, a Reece's Rainbow child, early this spring. Nancy went alone to get her too. Nancy and John are amazing people. They have one daughter who is about 30 years old and confined to a wheelchair due to Cerebral Palsy. Kate Crews is one the most inspiring people I have ever met. She suffered greatly this summer, trying to live in the body she has, it's a daily painful battle for her, and her health care coverage reduced her at home aide allowance during the Crews' TWO year adoption journey. Ripsie is 6. Nancy and John are 60! They have no help, they, like us, have buy help, for both of their sweet girls, in order that they can work to provide and give the girls a quality of life in a loving family.

Not us, not Karrie and Donnie, not John and Nancy and Kate, and not any other family that travels this road should have to endure the hurtful and ugly things people do and say. No, no one has said anything to me lately, but throughout I have been battered by ignorance and and even the dead silence from people you thought we're your closest friends, can wound. I want to tell the truth about our adoption, and I have, because it's important to start changing the mindset about how all of this really goes down. In the two weeks to come I don't want this blog to be all rose colored, and I only report the good, skip the bad, and hide the ugly. What can be gained from a nice pretty blog with nice pretty pictures that hides the difficult parts of all of this? Its very difficult to complete an international special needs adoption, not to mention what lies ahead for everyone once the children are home: Donnie and Karrie's boys need hand surgeries, surgeries to OPEN wider their throats so they can swallow food without gagging and more; little Ripsie Mae had one eye surgery and is facing another one and she needs a full assessment of her Down Syndrome, which is looking more and more like a rare combination of some other disabling conditions; Ian needs eye, heart, and other surgeries and more....There are babies, infants, lying in cribs all day sedated to keep them from fussing who will die soon if no one chooses them and starts the process of adoption. SOBERING, isn't it? How can we color that fact?

...people say " but you knew all of this before." We all new some of it before, but that's not the point. We didn't all sit down and list out these kids' needs and then figure out we could handle it all. We saw their pictures on a website, we found out what would happen to Ian, John, Carson, Ripsie.... if someone did not intervene and take immediate steps to rescue them, we fell to our knees and asked God if this was our purpose....and he said YES. Stepping out over the cliff of what we thought was our faith to get the job at hand done was part of the teaching and part of the gift that is adoption. Over this past year many people we know have remarked to us that they think what we are doing is amazing, and to be gracious, we always say thank you. It makes me cringe on the inside though and here's why: All it took for me to know that Ian needed us was for ONE person to tell me and then show me in still photographs, what is happening to human children with special needs in parts of the world that just cannot deal with them. That one person was Andrea Roberts, founder and director of Reece's Rainbow, the place on the Internet where we found Ian. Being a teacher by profession, I can't ignore the study materials God has opened my eyes to in order that I might sit for the test. Bet y'all didn't know I am a High School Dropout.

Yea, I was, but not anymore, I know that when the time comes for me to answer for my life, and if I we're asked why I did nothing when I KNEW his children were sufferingg and HE gave me enough day to day resources to welcome a child who would die otherwise into the HOME he blessed me with - UHHHH - UMMMM - WELL, I, UM.....there would be no excuse, none, period. So, when people say to us, "wow, I can't believe your doing this," I think, "wow, I can't believe your NOT."

Not everyone can actually bring an orphaned child into their home to raise and live, we know this. We also know that many who choose to not adopt (because knowing about it doing nothing is a choice) DO have the resources, they just have a FEAR that is so overwhelming (and to be honest it usually has to do with the thought that one will loose whatever lifestyle they have or that they have been working towards having). This is why you hear, all over the place, that if you cannot adopt yourself, then HELP someone who CAN. Help comes in MANY forms too, not just money.

I never thought I could be so broke while at the same time be so rich, so full, so wealthy in the spirit of righteousness. It's priceless.

It's true love. A love for God above all. Someone told me recently that I should not wear my love of God on my sleeve, so to speak. Someone else asked me last fall if I was turning into a Jesus freak because I had some new Christian centered home decor.

LOVE and peace are what our God is all about, and yes, resoundingly, I want to wear those principles on my sleeve and if you choose to call it such, yes, I'd like to be a freak for love and peace and doing the right good. I had 40 years to do other stuff and judging by the results I got, I ain't smart enough to run this. Giving my life To God is a good thing for me, and the witness I am, I have, because of it is profound. I am a better mom, a better person, I'm stronger, and all that he is sending for the next years of my life, I have every confidence are much better choices and directions than I could have ever hatched for myself.

I'M OKAY BEING DESPERATE FOR LOVE AND PEACE. It keeps me doing the right things for other people. It keeps me dying to self, which can be a real battle, and it keeps me patient and kind. HOPE can only come from desperation, otherwise you are lacking nothing and so you never look for hope, and it can't find you either.

Long before I knew that Ian would be the child I would be crossing this ocean for again, for the 5th time at this very moment, I named this blog BRING HOPE HOME. Oh how I love the way God weaves things in and out of my life and connects them all up on the other side to make a beautiful tapestry (my friend Lorriane Patterson shared that analogy with me and I love it). I can honestly say, without a doubt and with no regrets, that hope, the kind that is infallible, has finally come home -

Inside of my heart.

For the next two weeks I'm going to be hopeful that you won't judge, that you will support, and be kind, as I try to share as best I can about this part of the journey, the most important step yet - Ian's road to home. I'll be honest and I will need your prayers for us to get us through any bumps in road. I'm excited and a little bit scared and a lot a bit tired, but most of all

......I'm a ton thankful.