Day 4, our last day with Ian

On the way to the orphanage today I took out the flip video (which I totally suggest for anyone traveling to meet and spend time with their new treasures) and recorded the entire 5 min. ride from our hotel to the orphanage.

When we are missing him, I somehow thought this short video would be something we could play to remember the drive, the emotions, and most of all, how and where to find our son. Knowing it is the last day, for an unknown period of time, with legal and financial hoops to jump, especially that of a court hearing in a foreign country, it makes the time very bittersweet and a little bit nerve wracking.

Still, today was the most amazing day of all since we have been slowly inundating ourselves into Ian’s life. Ian is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! He is so SMART! I can admit now, that after Day 1, I was a little bit afraid for all of us. He was pretty out of control, yelling loudly and throwing things, pushing us away, and totally not with the program in terms of being touched and hugged, or even held for ANY length of time (which is a challenge for us because besides the fact that we worked so long to get to him, he is SO small that he looks like you just want to grab him up and rock a bye!)

Papa and Ian enjoying a try with the Hula Hoops

Im so glad to report that in just 4 short days, and in a total of less than 5 hours spent together, he is a different kid altogether. I am SO KICKING myself for not being on top of learning his language. That will NOT happen again. Craig and I have seen, mostly today, that we MUST learn to speak his language. We have already hatched a plan, and have some Russian friends who live close by whom have been waiting in the wings to help us in any way they can, so when we get home, the time will have arrived for Russian with your newly adopted child 101.

When we came in today, the orphanage dog, Mary, greeted us with a smile and a tail wag, and then got up and walked us to the front door! She is an endearing old dog, although I’m not sure one would want to pet her, she is in sore need to a bath and some attention. We did the obligatory blue shoe cover thing, and headed inside.

While we waited for Vasya today, one of the orphanage cooks came walking by. I think that because we have a four year old child with us, we are kind of eye catching to people that might normally walk right by. Plus, let’s face it, we are Black and here, we are the only people of color we have seen all week. Ari is also very friendly and in fact, he has learned to say good bye and well done, in Ian’s native language.

In any event, this bright-faced older woman stopped and asked our facilitator who we were. She actually stayed for a few moments, asking lots of questions. While I could not make out the entire conversation, I knew the gist of what was being said, and we knew this cook was very interested in us and that we were going to be Vasya’s parents. She kept saying his name like “Vasya?” as if she could not believe that a family had come for him. She seemed happy about it though, which was a nice feeling to get from a caregiver type person here since the ladies in Ian’s groupa are mostly stone faced and very stand off-ish. She told us our Ian loved to eat bananas! Which means he and Ari will get on famously at the breakfast table because Ari loves to eat bananas too. I can’t wait to feed Ian fresh food. He is SO thin and weighs nothing really.

There are children here who have occasional, and even regular visitors. Biological parents, aunts, sometimes grandparents...who just cannot let go completely, come to visit the children they have sent here. I don’t even want to begin to think about that burden, or how the caregivers must interact with these “visitors.” I think we say some today, on the way in.

In any event, we learned that our little Vasya-Ian has NEVER, EVER had a single soul visit or call to check on his well being – in his entire life. So, why don’t you just take my heart and fling it across the room already – because it hurts that much to know that he has never known a single ADULT that has loved him.

Given that the caregivers are the only people for which he could try to form some kind of bond with, and given they work 24 hour shifts, and given the job does not pay well, and given they are dealing with groups of children with wide variations of special needs, and given the resources are clearly lacking (shoes too small, clothes a mess and often with holes, no real early interventions, etc...) WE THINK HE HAS DONE FANTASTIC WITH US!

Ian putting on Ari's shoes (he runs to our shoes to put them on! We think it is because his little feet hurt in the too small shoes they have here for him)

He has worn ALL of our shoes, and happily and agilely too!

Today, we were very happy. Happy that when Ian came in – he did not yell! In fact, he only yelled once, and that was during a most dramatic little fit (which I talk about later in this post). He came into the gym (which we were super gald to be in again today), doing more of a loud talking versus a yell. We got out the iPod again, and OH MY GOODNESS, what happened next was really, really fun. He danced with us! He also instructed us on what to do! Our facilitator left us alone with him for a long time, in fact most of the almost two hours was just our new little family, which was also great.

Video of Ian as he was brought to us today to play in the gym

Ian showed us the dance that the children are instructed in at the orphanage dance “class,” to this particular song. We all walked in a circle, marched, and made foot actions according to what Ian showed us. So, feast your eyes on this! Ian, giving us all traditional Russian dance lessons!

Vasya-Ian dancing with us:)

For most of the time together today, Ian was incredibly calm! The tornado has apparently passed, and he has allowed us to begin to move in. He is guarded for sure, but he is letting us all touch him more and show him how to work with the toys we brought. He already knows how to bring up the iPod menu and how to make a certain little airplane fan we brought operate. He even spent time looking through the photo book we brought and left for him. Best of all for me, was that he let Ari move in a little too, by sharing in exploring what was in the Elmo backpack we brought along.

He brings all items very close to his face, we think for sure he needs glasses

Ari and Ian "playing" together

Our final time with Ian was great, much slower paced (thanks be to God for that because ya’ll he is FAST!), and much more of an everyday type of child-adult interaction, although we did not attempt to get any more family photographs. We felt like making him sit with us would have been a little step backwards, so we determined we had enough pictures to Apostille for court and moved on.

The meltdown scenario, where we saw Ian's little dramatic side, occurred when I determined it was time to start enforcing some boundaries with Ari, and with Ian listening to us. Our facilitator was back and translating for us with him, so I though it was the right time. It is a challenge to know just how far and how much discipline to exercise with our little guy. On the one hand, you are terrified of upsetting him, on the other hand you are feeling a bit upset over the behaviors that are being exhibited. You are also, sometimes, being watched. You are always wondering if they are thinking that you are letting the kid run wild and not intervening enough, or that you are some sort of grinchy mean parent. It’s a new sort of rock and a hard place for me, but in the end, our gut instincts won out, and I think that was for the best.

I have been a professional educator for 15 years, most spent in special education and most with severely behaviorally disturbed children of all ages. The one thing that has always kept me in good stead as a teacher, has been to start off firm with kids and then ease back. The few times I have started with too few boundaries, I have paid for that and found it near impossible to regain respect and cooperation.

So, today was the day that we needed to let Ian know that mom and dad have expectations about behavior and how to treat brother and our toys. Ari has been so great, beyond great, he has been amazing and as I have said all week, we are BLESSED to have this child along with us on this journey, in particular.

Ari taking a turn on the bouncy ball

Brothers

Ian really has not shared with Ari, since that first day when we gave him one of the kaleidoscopes. Of course, Ian horded everything we brought out for him, and Ari of course, wanted a turn with the toys too. Ari is young, and he is overly passive, so we have been working hard with him to defend himself in good ways. In this instance, Ian had had the iPod for a long time and Ari wanted a turn, and it was time to make that turn happen.

Well, Ian was having none of that. The kid is super strong, despite being super small for his age and very thin. He has a grip on items that is almost impossible to release unless you get ahold of each little finger and pry them away from the item. So, as our facilitator helped us with translating (because Ian can understand EVERYTHING that is said to him in Russian), we told Ian that it was Ari’s turn and to please share, and give him the iPod. We guided Ian’s hand with the iPod over to Ari’s and then had to pry it away. Ari was fine, but Ian had a fit. He yelled a little then started to cry. Then he sat down, put his little head between his legs and cried really hard and yelled and beat his little fists on the floor. It was hard to watch but as with ANY other child of this age, as a parent, you have to set those rules and follow through. Ian does well with structure and routine, as we have seen him go between night and day in terms of his behavior with us, and then in the presence of the groupa.

I rubbed Ian’s little boney back as our facilitator helped us talk him through his fit. He got up and yelled, and tried to get the iPod back from Ari, but we were on it, and we enforced the sharing. Miraculously, Ian just gave up on trying to defy the expectation we set forth, and moved on. In a few minuets, he was happy again, running around with some other toy. In fact, I think this little meltdown moment was one of best things we could have done in terms of bonding with Ian.

We did and saw and learned a lot about Vasya-Ian the remainder of our time together today. He is meticulous about putting things together, laying things out, and putting things away. He is also very independent and wants to work things out on his own. He’s a bit of a little actor too, as he toyed with me when Ari and Craig left the room to use the WC. Ian stepped out of a playhouse that he has been taking refuge in to examine the toys we brought, and looked at me, put his little fists on his hips, and grunted! SO DARLING, cannot believe I don’t have a picture of that!

Ian laying out an activity mat in the gym, he had to have it perfect before he would walk on it

We had one little disturbing moment, which is kind of what happens here, your sense of everything is overwhelmed by so much as one time, caregivers glaring at you, other orphans playing outside, or crying as they are with held from you, people starring at you, your new child running here and there, your other child, the language barrier…it is all sensory overload! So, to have Ian throw up while we had him was really unnerving. I had backed from Apple Juice boxes for Ari that we got at the grocery store across from the hotel. Ari was begging for juice so I had to relent, and Ian saw me get and give the juice to him and he bolted from across the room at me to try and grab it. Once I kind of got him to “ask” for some, he sucked that entire juice box down in about 10 seconds, and was sucking the air out of it too, after it was all gone. All of us adults in the room just stopped cold because what it looked like to us was that he was beyond thirsty, almost as if he had not had anything to drink in days. Well, less than a minute later, the contents of that juice box had been heaved up onto the carpeting in the gym. It was horrifying to seem him wretch, and then not be able to comfort him as you normally would (remembering that he is still not used to hugs, let alone seeking comfort from an adult, he has been taking care of himself really, since he was a baby).

When the time was up, we got to take him back to the groupa again, but they stopped us well before we got to the door, where the other children may have seen us. What happened next was a MIRACLE, and confirmation to us that Ian is really an amazing little person who has survived under the toughest of situations – one in which no one loves him like he should have been loved since the instant he was born...and while there are no pictures of this moment, it will remain etched in our memories forever.

He sat down on a little wood bench, his stern caregiver lording over him, speaking firmly in Russian to him. He took his shoes (which were off because they are so tight we cannot seem to make them fit on his feet, and nearly cry each time we have to try and force them on), and tried to put them on. He began to put them on the wrong feet and the caregiver talked him through making the decision, prior to placing them on his feet, which one was left and which one was right. He finally got it! It was so cute because he switched those shoes so many times, trying to find the accurate set up for left and right.

Ian's too little shoes

Then, the caregiver instructed him to give mommy a hug. He did not hesitate for a second and was over to me hugging me and flashing the biggest smile! It was very close to him looking like he was saying, “…LOL, gotcha! I was just kidding, just having some fun with you! Hurry up and come back for me!” Insert my JAW DROPPING to the floor! He then made the rounds and hugged papa and then – he hugged ARI!

So, all in all, as we then spent the next three hours on a driving tour of this famous and fascinating place…

Prayed for the Davis Family and Kirill at the Church of the Spilled Blood

Lunched in a traditional Russian eatery

Bought 6 little Matrioshka Dolls at the open air market

Stood on the square at Winter Palace

Marveled at the city

Bid farewell to Sergey our driver and Eleana our Facilitator

and told our last bed time story to Ari at the hotel

we are leaving here…

Battered…by the sheer physical demands of this trip, of all it has taken to even be here, and by what we have seen and heard.

Bruised…by the pain of the plight of the orphan, forever changed by their pale faces.

&

most of all, BLESSED - having come closer to our walk with God and in following his word to do good work. Good work does not always, or usually, equate to EASY work. We never asked for easy, we asked to be granted the chance to show that we are with this program, and that we accept his calling on our lives to not turn a blind eye when we KNOW what is happening to his children. The pain we have felt from accepting the measure of attachment and bonding and love that our sweet son Ian has MISSED, only makes us more resolute in our efforts to get him home.

As we left, our facilitator confirmed with the orphanage doctor that we REFUSE surgery for Ian until he is home in the United States. We did talk it over and the conditions in hospitals here are not the same as back home. Also, we just cannot have him operated on and not be there for him. Please pray that the two surgeries it looks like he will be facing (heart and another), can be staved off until he is home and we have had time to get some good food and real love into him.


Isaiah 58:7

"What I'm interested in seeing you do is: sharing your food with the hungry, inviting the homeless poor into your homes, putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad, being available to your own families."

PS...we are home! This post should have been put up last night but we had a 3:30 am driver call to make our 6 am flight to Frankfurt and then all day flying back to Atlanta. We are beat, but all in one piece and now will turn our full efforts to getting Ian home. Thank you to Abe and Corrie Koenig who both took us to the airport and picked us up, and to all of you who are praying for Ian, who have a heart for orphans, who are adopting or have adopted yourselves, and who have donated to help us get here.