U Can't touch this!

Back in what is now a long long time ago and almost a galaxy far far away

lived...

the 1990's!

I lived there

lots of people did LOL!

(me and girlfriends in the 1990's)

one of the biggest hits of the 1990s was a song called U can't touch This, by MC Hammer

(u know, rapper turned minister!)

well, tonight I am reliving the 90s, for a very important reason

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Yesterday, about 3:00 in the afternoon, I got an email from our adoption agency. The news was not good. Not good for us, not good for Ian, just not good. In fact, I allowed myself to become so upset that I had dismiss myself from the dinner table as to not let my mouth blurt out things that I would regret saying later. Torrential rain hit our area about that same moment when I waked out on dinner.

In a nutshell, the timing that I think/thought is/was best, and that I thought was pretty much set in stone (as I have been told for the last year now), was disrupted and delayed in such a manner to change - everything **insert me crying here**

We were supposed to be able to go back (well, I was as I am going back alone), to get Ian 10 days after court. There is a mandatory 10 day wait. That would have put me back in Ian's country on July 25th and we would have been back in Georgia, home, around August 5th, or sooner. The timing was PERFECT!

I am not a stay at home mother. I work, full time. I have to. There are no other options at this time. I am off from work because I work in education, for two months in the summer. I report back to work this year on July 28th. Before the upsetting news of a delay in being able to travel back for Ian, we planned for me to take 28 days of FMLA unpaid leave to cover my being gone and transitioning Ian into our home, medical appointments, and getting him ready for school. I am entitled to 12 weeks per year, however I cannot take 12 weeks of unpaid leave, we just cannot absorb that loss of my income and, if I am out more than 28 days, I have to start paying COBRA for our health insurance and other benefits and that cost alone is over $1,200.00 per month.

So, the plan was to get Ian home by August 5th so that I would only have to take a couple weeks of leave (because most of my travel would have been done while I was still off for summer break). In addition, and here is where my heart is breaking so hard I can't hardly think about it, my sweet boy Ari starts a brand new school on August 8th. I NEED to be here for that first day AND the first weeks of school. Ari has autism. This is a GIANT change for him. ALL NEW PEOPLE, no one he knows, nothing he is familiar with, AND, a new brother sleeping in his room. His new school is also very special and so I need to be able to plan and meet and talk and observe and all that goes along with having a child with special needs in an inclusive setting. We made this change for some very specific reasons and I need to be there to assure what is supposed to be happening for Ari is happening. He needs his mommy during this time and to think that now I will not be there, it is UNBEARABLE BEYOND WORDS - he is only 4 years old and he DOES NOT understand a lot about what is happening, and trying to communicate it to him is something that is just not going to happen - until Ian sets foot in the house, and until he walks through the door of his new school.

When you choose to adopt, you do not do it by sending the children already in your home out as the sacrificial lambs. We have been so very careful with this adoption, and at every turn we have tried to do everything we could to assure that Ari would weather it okay. We got criticized for taking Ari to meet Ian that first trip, because of the extra money. Money aside, we HAD to see how the boys would be together, we had to see for Ari's well being AND for Ian's. It had to be done and let me tell you, Ari rocked! He loved the trip, he KNOWS who Ian is now!

Still, me being gone when so much is changing for Ari IS NOT part of our well planned plan, and it feels like I am sacrificing my Ari for my Ian, and I am not okay right now. I don't know what to do, I am still taking it all in. Craig cannot take any leave from work. He cannot go get Ian, it has to be me. There is no one else who can go for Ian and no one else who can do for Ari what needs to be done. It is a problem that I know I can solve, but right now, I feel something in my heart for both of my boys that is making the thought of how to even fix this, a burden of great measure for me.

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Especially because then this evening, right after another downpour of rain and high winds, yet another shocking email arrived in my adoption email inbox.......

our adoption fees for THIS TRIP have increased a great deal more than we were prepared for or that we have on hand. When you have to fund raise for a year to save the life of an innocent, beautiful baby boy who will perish if you do not rescue him, when you have been told point blank that YOU are his only hope, asking people for help takes on a whole different tone. It has taken us a solid year to raise $25,000.00, and we have done that by nothing but the grace of God and the hundreds of people who gave and some, who give and give and give and give.

We thought we were about there

With the news of the increased fees today and now the 2 more weeks of unpaid leave that will have to be taken, the $6,000 we had left to raise goes back up to $9,000.00. We need to raise another $2,000 NOW because we need it in cash to hand over to the powers that be in "R" (Ian's country) when we land on July 10th. Then, we need to raise up the remaining $7,000.00 in just 15 days.

Are we exhausted? YES

Are we out of fund raisers? YES

Are we out of money? YES

Am I feeling bad? YES

Am I going to let the bad win? HECK NAW!

Here is a little note to the forces of BAD that are trying to get me to QUIT, to TALK UGLY about people, to be BITTER, to be ANGRY, to lay in my bed and SOB all day, to GIVE UP....

U CAN'T TOUCH THIS!

because

HE MADE ME STRONG

HE MADE ME POWERFUL, and he gave me the ability to CONTROL MY THOUGHTS and my WORDS

HIS MESSAGE IS LOVE, PEACE, and HOPE, and FAITH

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THIS BOY IS LOVE

(our sweet Ari)

THIS BOY IS HOPE

(Our sweet Ian)

OUR FAMILY HAS FAITH

That in our hour of need, he will not forsake us

and truly

he never has

giving us NOTHING to fear

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Today was the most BEAUTIFUL day in Atlanta! The stifling heat was gone and in it's place a lovely warm but not hot breeze skipped through the leaves on the trees. The birds sang, the sky was blue with a few well placed swirly clouds above.

Ari and I went to Aquatic Therapy

and then to shop for....

THE OVER 60 LITTLE ONES in Ian's ORPHANAGE that have NO ONE coming for them.

break. my. heart.

BTW, this little one is waiting near Ian, and her name is CARLENE.

She is a friend of God. Want to get closer to him?

Maybe you might ask him if Carlene can be yours.

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Next Saturday we are having a shopping event at our local Mall, the Mall of Georgia. We have invited our friends and supporters to join us in shopping for the children at the orphanage. They need clothing, socks, and pj's. We will bring ALL that we can.

At the end of the day, I laid out everything we had found. Ian's clothes were beat up, well, well worn, everything he had on had holes in it, including his socks. The orphanage has asked for short and long sleeve shirts for boys and girls, socks, underwear, and pajamas. I found some real treasures for not a lot of money, nothing pictured was over $5.00 and most was $2 or $3.00. See those IZOD dress long sleeve shirts and tie combo's? $3.23! Yep! Sticker price: 25 bucks!

Buying clothes for the children that stood behind the gates and cried as we left there last April was an honor and an experience for me and Ari that nothing, not even the bad news of the last couple of days - CAN EVER TOUCH! These kids have touched us in ways only those who have been in an orphanage can relate to. You just have to be there, to physically feel your heart fall out onto the ground and break into tiny pieces as they rush to you, beg to be held, cry, call you mama or papa...and then you have to peel them off of you, or worse, just stare at them as the curt caregivers yell commands to them to not touch or approach you. It is surreal. You collect the pieces of your meek little heart and go to the other side of the gate, get into a car, and drive off.

THEY NEVER LEAVE YOU, not for one day, do you ever NOT think about those you are forced to leave behind. All I can do is hope that the things we can bring for them will help to keep them warm and comfy, and maybe even make some of them feel good in some new clothes to wear.

U CAN'T TOUCH the experience and the challenge and the journey and the miracle that is adoption, you simply cannot touch it with a 10 foot or any other type of pole. It is something I will NEVER regret having been called to. Yes, it ROCKS you to your CORE, but that is a GOOD THING because you know that you are alive and you NEVER live your life the same ways you did before.

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Please pray for sweet Ian, he has lasted this long under tough circumstances, I almost die daily thinking about all that sweet baby boy has missed in terms of lovin' care and just being a kid....it kills me to look at Ari and think of him in Ian's shoes.

Please PRAY for and HOLD CLOSE the ones left behind

Their chances of escape are less than slim, you know looking at them that the majority will not live past the next few years. Please PRAY for the final steps of our families journey to bring hope home. It is not going to be easy, for any of us. We need your prayers and your love.

Thank you for standing with us

God bless